A drummer who applied for a loan of money, was put through the following examination by a member of the Drummers' Association:
"Where did you come from?"
"From the town of St. John's, Mich."
"What came you here to do?"
"To take a few orders and to collect a bill of Billson."
"Then you are a drummer?"
"I am so taken and accepted by the boys."
"How may I know you to be a drummer?"
"By my cheek and my forty-pound sample case. Try me."
"How will you be tried?"
"By the 'Squire."
"Why by the 'Squire?"
"Because the 'Squire is a magistrate and an emblem of stupidity."
"Where were you first led to be a drummer?"
"In my mind."
"Where next?"
"In a printing office adjoining a post of drummers."
"How were you prepared?"
"By being divested of my last cent, my cheek rubbed down with brick, a bunion
plaster over each eye and a heavy sample case in each hand. In this fix I was
conducted to the door of the post."
"How did you know it was the door, being blind?"
"By first stepping in the coal scuttle and afterward bumping by head against the
door knob."
"How gained you admission?"
"By benefit on my cheek."
"Had you the required cheek?"
"I had not, but my conductor had it for me."
"How were you received?"
"On the toe of a boot, applied to my natural trousers."
"What did this teach you?"
"Not to fool around too much"
"What happen next?"
"I was set down on a cake of ice and asked if I put my trust in mercantile
reports."
"Your answer?"
"Not if I know myself, I don't."
"How were you next handled?"
"I was put straddle of a 2x4 and trotted nine times around the room, and then
directed to the Left Bower for further instruction."
"How did he instruct you?"
"To approach a customer in three upright regular steps, my business card
extended, my arm forming a perfect square."
"How were you then disposed of?"
"I was seated upon a cake of ice in front of a dry goods box and there made to
take the following horrible and binding oath."
"I, John Moyer, do hereon and herein most everlastingly and diabolically swear
that I will never reveal and always steal all the trade secrets I can for the
benefit of the Most August Order. I further swear, by the Baldheaded Jack of
Clubs that I will not give, carve, make, hold, or cut prices below the regular
rates. And I further swear, by the Pipers that played before Moses, to never
have any commercial dealings with any man, his wife, daughter, sister,
grandmother, old maid aunt or uncle unless he, she or it is sound on the goose.
I was then asked what I most desired."
"Your answer?"
"Money."
"What did you then behold?"
"A copy of Dun's report open at chapter 11. Upon the book rested a pair of
scales; in one pan was a can of concentrated lye, in the other a brass jackass."
"What did this emblem signify?"
"The scale indicated the balance between Dr. and Cr. The other represented
li-abilities and ass-ets. The jackass indicated the debtor."
"Did this teach you a lesson?"
"You bet. It taught me to look out."
"Shake brother. Will you be off or from?"
"Both, if I can borrow money."
"Have you any cigars?"
"I have."
"Give 'em to me?"
"I did not so receive "em nor will I so impart'em."
"How will you dispose of 'em?"
"On sixty days, twelve per cent."
"All right, begin."
"No, begin you."
"You must begin."
"Up."
"Em."
"Set"
"Set 'em up. The words and signs are right. You are O. K.
This paper was read at the June 22, 1983 meeting of Southern Arizona Research Lodge No. 11 in Benson, Arizona by Bro. Dusty Rhodes who obtained it from Bro. Robert Rugg.